I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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