i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
