I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
