You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i will never coherently bang her
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
