Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
