I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
