If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize