they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
