This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
