There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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