What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
