He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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