Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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