I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
