Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
