Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
