How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
