my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
