look no pants
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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