My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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