totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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