What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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