Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
