I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
