batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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