I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
