Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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