Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
