We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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