At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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