I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize