Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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