Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
