So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
