I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
