Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
