I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize