You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
