We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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