Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
