Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
