I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
