Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
