ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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