textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
