sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
