My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
