peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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