If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize