look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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