Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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