It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
