When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
