You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
