you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
