I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
