Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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