I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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