if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just pee around me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize