Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
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