yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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