$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
