Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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