i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
